Tip # 3: I'm scared

Challenge # 3

Some autistic children are aggressive, which can be scary and dangerous, especially for younger kids. Due to their hyper nature, parents can't possibly keep an eye on their kids every second of every day. For a typical sibling that is scared of their autistic sibling, it's extremely important for parents to take this concern seriously and intervene as appropriate. By talking to your child's pediatrician they will be able to provide you with hotline numbers that you can call if you or in need of help. Also it's really important for your typical child to have a safe place that they can go if they are upset or scared. Whether it's their room, a bathroom or a closet, by creating and identifying a location really helps the typical sibling cope with such chaos that they deal with on a regular basis.

I remember that growing up my escape was going into my room and and putting on my headphones and just listening to music. I would do this for hours at a time until I can relax and be comfortable with a scary situation.

Above photo: Me and Temple Grandin's mother, Eustacia Cutler, Author of "Thorn in my pocket"

Tip # 2

Challenge #2: "It's not fair!"
I’m sure that every parent has heard his or her child say, "It's not fair!" But for families with autistic and typical siblings, "not fair" is the reality, when it comes to one child being treated differently than the other. For parents, a crucial conversation is needed with the “typical” sibling to explain their roles in growing up with a special needs sibling. For parents, I would recommend that the parents engage the sibling on a deeper level. Henry Ford social worker, Greg Oliver gave me great suggestions, such as, involving the typical siblings in autism rallies, walk-a-thons, etc… This way they might be more likely to understand that autism affects many people and standing up to fight against autism makes them closer to a cure. By families taking autism on as a team, it allows for all members of the family to be a part of the solution. I remember clearly that my mom always brought me along to doctor’s appointments, charity events, and all things that taught me about autism. This really triggered my interest to learn more about autism and respect my brother and his disability.

For parents who are struggling with a younger child and their need for attention, I believe that creating special time, designated just for their typical child is the key for any sibling rivalry with their sibling that is autistic. Parents need to plant seeds of encouragement and let the siblings bloom. Make sure to involve them in something that is just for them. Growing up I had a few loves; writing, dance, and singing. I wrote a lot in a diary about my feelings, which helped a lot. It was a way of expression and confinement. I didn’t want to vent to my parents because they did the best they could with my brother and it wasn’t their fault for the way he acted. As I aged, I developed my writing and drafted poetry and short stories and eventually started to write this book. Dance allowed me to work hard at a craft all year, followed by a dance recital that put all eyes on me. And, to have all eyes on you is rare growing up in a house that required a lot of eyes watching my brother.

Picture: My brother Brian and son Gavin, bonding together. Summer, 2008.